Sunday, April 14, 2013

Divorce and stuff


I haven’t been updating my blogs lately because of all of this.

I spent a week packing and getting ready to move. It was both lonely and full of friendship. She was off on a business trip, so I’ve had plenty of alone time at the apartment. I also went out frequently with many of my Seattle friends. They kept my spirits up, really helped me when I needed help, went out and had fun with me when I felt most alone.

Alone. Oh, right. That.

I decided very quickly that I wanted to try and handle the end of my marriage with tact. I didn’t want to say mean things publicly on social media. I didn’t want to argue over minor details. I didn’t want to make our mutual friends pick sides and turn against her. I didn’t want to make her life more difficult.

I actually initiated a final conversation about bills, bank accounts, passwords, keys, etc. I wanted her to know that I wouldn’t try to screw her over. I want to look back on this and be proud for who I chose to be. The rational, good person vs. the unrestrained, evil ex.

I wish for her to find happiness. I want that for her, regardless of what anyone wants for me. I want to be a respectful person who acted with good intent. I say this to myself to remind myself. It’s hard to not do spiteful, mean, cruel things, especially with the Internet which makes that so easy.

During previous relationship ends, I was a social media stalker, argument inducer, email battler, and revenger getter. I have matured. I haven’t even been on her social media since the breakup, and, honestly, I don’t have any urge to. I don’t want to know what she or her friends are saying. I don’t even care.

Perhaps I don’t want to see her social media because I’m already over this, in a lot of ways. For the last year I was completely miserable, and for the last six months I’ve wanted out of it all. So, it’s not that I don’t need time to mourn, it’s just that I have been in mourning for the last year. I still have low moments. I cried two days ago when I got Taco Bell, and it reminded me of the way she used to like to drive (therefore she’d be at the order window). I was a sad mess trying to eat a burrito. I’m sad about being alone. I’m sad about losing the person who was my best friend. I’m sad about leaving Seattle (what an amazing place!). I’m sad that I will have to find a new job (and a new car, ugh). I’m sad that I have to stay with my mother until I find a new job/car. I’m going to miss the person I moved out to Seattle with. I am. There are going to be more tears ahead, which is the way I’m looking.

Because I’m also excited and happy for many reasons: I’m looking forward to seeing my old friends. I’m looking forward to moving again, next time on my own terms. I put my dreams on hold to help her accomplish hers, and now I have nothing stopping me from following my own. I’m really looking forward to dating again. I know there is supposed to be a grace period, and people look down on me for saying this, but I’m ready to meet new people and find new love. I’m looking forward to playing some music with the band dudes. I’m excited about the Zoo, the City Museum, the best haunted houses in America (Creepyworld, The Darkness!). I’m excited about continuing my journey of trying to get published. I’m really excited to have a blank slate, to be able to consider doing anything I want. The possibilities are vast.

Mostly, I’m looking forward to finding happiness again. I know I’ll get there.

On a final note, if you’ve ever wanted to reconnect, get to know me, just see what it’s like to hang out with me, or just chat with me, now is the time. I’m looking to meet people (or reconnect with old friends). I’m back in Illinois, and I want to have fun and go on adventures. So, yeah, don’t be afraid to say hello, no matter how awkward you may feel. I am excited about the possibility of new friendship.  


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