Saturday, September 28, 2013

Telemarketers always enjoy a call to my house

UPDATE! 3rd call added! - Nov 6 2013!

Somehow, people love it when I’m a jerk to telemarketers. I posted a few of my recent interactions with a few calls, and people on facebook gave me more “likes” than I’ve ever gotten before. Somehow, when a telemarketer calls me, I always go into a character of an old grandma who doesn’t understand half of what is said and asks ridiculous questions. With that in mind, I thought I’d post a few transcripts of these phone interactions on here. These are real, written as soon as I hung up the phone (so they’re fairly word-for-word). Remember, these people called ME! It’s not like I was seeking them out!!

Call 1 (happened on Sep 20th):

Telemarketer: “Hello, I would like to talk to you about a low-interest offer on a credit card.”

Me: “Yes-sa I want a credit for my cat to for her.”

Telemarketer: “You what?”

Me: “I want my cat to have credit card and I spend all money and then I kill cat.”

Telemarketer: “What?”

Me: “You know, kitty meow-meow?”

Telemarketer: “You spent all your money on a cat and then you killed your cat?”

Me: “No, no, no, no. I want to put credit card under my cat’s name and spend all the money and then kill the cat.”

Telemarketer: “You want to put a credit card under your cat’s name and then kill your cat?”

Me: “Yes-sa, that.”

Telemarketer: “What is your cat’s name?”

I started laughing too hard at this point. Maybe she was joking, but she said it like she was actually going to put a credit card under my cat’s name. I hung up.

Call 2 (happened on Sep 26th):

Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Brandi Martin. I have a special offer on hotel stays in Branson, Missouri!"

Me: "You are Dolly?"

Telemarketer: "No, Brandi Martin."

Me: "Dolly Parton?"

Telemarketer: "We do have a Dolly Parton show here in Branson. [goes on to explain show] Tell me, when was the last time you were in Branson?"

Me: "Yesterday."

Telemarketer: "Oh really, where did you stay?"

Me: "With Yakov Smirnoff."

Telemarketer: "You saw Yakov?"

Me: "No, I stay at his apartment."

Telemarketer: "Oh..."

Me: "In his bed."

She suppresses a laugh. "Ohhh, okay... Well let me tell you about the other shows we have in Branson. Ever go see the Chinese Acrobats perform?"

Me: "How many Chinese Acrobats..."

Telemarketer: "Well, I think there's like 40--"

Me: "...does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Telemarketer: "Uhh..."

Me: "In Soviet Russia, light bulb screw Chinese Acrobat."

Telemarketer: "Do you have kids? We have great children's shows."

Me: "Yes. Little Yakov, Yakov JR., Baby Yakov, and Smirnoffy"

She laughs. "You have children with Yakov Smirnoff? How old are they?"

Me: "Two and Two and Two and Two."

Telemarketer: "Well, you have a great day."

Me: "Say hello."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Hello, Dolly. Hello, Dolly."

She hangs up. 

*NEW* Call 3 - (happened on November 6th)


Me – Agent! (this is a secret code word programed into most robocallers to send you directly to a live person)

*Piano music as I’m transferred to a telemarketer*

Telemarketer – Hello, this is Keesha with ______ Senior Monitoring Systems. Can I ask what name I can call you today?

Me - *in my really crinkly old lady voice* Just call me Grandma, that’s what all my grandkids do.

Telemarketer – Oh—uhh—Okay, Grandma. Because you have contacted an agent today, you have been randomly selected to receive a Senior Monitoring System and 3,000 dollars worth of groceries for free.

Me – Is that to Schnucks or Shop and Save?

Telemarketer – What?

Me – Tell me, Keesha, do you like cookies? Oatmeal raisin or chocolate chip?

Telemarketer – Uhh—chocolate chip. If you get our System, you can get grocery money to buy cookies as our gift to you.

Me – Just send me the money. I won it. It’s mine. BINGO!

Telemarketer – Oh, Grandma, you will have to sign up for a month of our SMSystem program to get the gift. Do you know about the “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercials?

Me – Oh yeah.

Telemarketer – Well, if you have any issues, you can use the necklace buzzer to get a call from one of our technicians.

Me – So, if I run out of cookie dough? You’ll come to my house and bring me some more?

Telemarketer – Um, well. No, if you buzz, one of our team will call and assess the situation and—

Me – and then I can get some more dough for my Stroopwafels?

Telemarketer – Um, well. Grandma, we might call one of your family to assess the situation if—

Me – Then you’ll come eat my 3,000 cookies with me? You’re the only granddaughter I have left, Keesha, and I love you very much.

Telemarketer – I live in New York, so that would be hard.

Me – Let me write down your address so I can send you some nice Jaffa Cakes

Telemarketer – Well, maybe at the end of this conversation… Anyway… it’s 3,000 dollars worth of coupons at your local grocery store

Me – Coupons?

Telemarketer – Yes, coupons.

Me – I love the coupons from Bingo Magazine.

Telemarketer – *ignores my last statement* If you go into this program, know that you can cancel anytime and still keep our gift package for—

Me – Package? I haven’t gotten a package since Grandpa passed on.

Telemarketer – *Gives a moment of silence to honor Grandpa’s passing* …Our gift package is a nice way to—

Me – Grandma loves a nice package!

Telemarketer – A package filled with—

Me – Cookies for Grandma and Keesha to eat together

Telemarketer – and our cancel anytime policy can save you—

Me - Dough

Telemarketer – Yes, money

Me – No, cookie dough

Telemarketer - What address can I send our SMSystem and gift package to?

Me - Just write, "Grandma's House" on the package.

She was a trooper. She continued to explain why that wouldn't work in the postal system, and I laughed a few times, told her that Grandma loves her very much, and then hung up.


I've been answering the phone more often lately, because I've been waiting for job calls... the poor people. How is it that they never see this coming? I hope they enjoy the weirdness, anyway. I’m sure calling a million people must get tiring. I used to post a ton of these things. I wish there was a way to dig them all up. Maybe I’ll post more on here if I can find my old ones. Anyway, I hope this was funny for you. 

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

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