Saturday, December 20, 2014


What killed Voldemort? Some might say Harry Potter… or more accurately, Voldemort’s own rebounded spell… but I say that what really did old Voldy in was his need for grandeur.

Voldemort picked awful objects to become his horcruxes. I mean, I get it. You want your most treasured stuff to become your soul-keepers but… why such identifiable items such as heirlooms from the Hogwarts Founders?

That got me thinking, if I were to rip my soul into seven pieces through dark magic, what objects would I choose to turn into my horcruxes?

1. My bass

Dean sunburst, hallow body, fretless… This bass is a beast. I created an album with it. It’s such a mellow bass, not funky, but I’m pretty mellow, too. Even though it has marked lines across the neck, it’s actually without the metal parts that would otherwise separate frets. That means I can make sounds that slowly rise and morph. It’s groovy, and totally an object that I’d make into a horcrux.

With a piece of my soul and some dark magic, any sound that came out of it would cause you to hear the thing you dread the most. For me, it might be the sound of a tree crashing down (I was almost killed by a falling tree once).
2. The Large Hadron Accelerator

The LHC would be the perfect horcrux simply because if it got angry, a bit of my soul could create a blackhole to destroy all of existence. That, and imagine the weirdness that could emerge from the combination of dark magic and deep science.

3. The Statue Of Liberty

Wouldn’t it be funny if to take me out you’d have to reenact Ghostbusters? Yeah, like, Harry Potter goes to New York to fight the freaking Statue of Liberty, because the statue is a horcrux and it has begun to rampage downtown.

Of course, Lady Libercrux would have more than just the ability to go giant monster movie style. In fact, it might never move at all unless someone tried to destroy it. What it’s core function would be is to consume the free will of anyone who entered into her. The Statue of Liberty would be a siren, never allowing anyone to leave her island without whispering a dark secret into the mind of the trespasser.

4. A Creepy Doll

This ==>

Also, a Creepy Doll would be the ultimate insanity for something to come to life. I suppose I would have to store the doll somewhere deep within the bowels of Gringotts or something. Maybe I would take an abandoned amusement park and make the doll horcrux the King. It would force anyone near to relive their childhood horrors.

5. a block of solid titanium

The next two are really about security. Voldemort never attempted to make a horcrux that couldn’t be destroyed, however, I believe that a block of solid titanium would be a good way to start. Titanium is one of the hardest metals in the world, and I doubt there are many spells that would harm a solid block of it. Honestly, the only thing I can think to do is transfigure it into something else…. but if it were that simple, why didn’t anyone think to transfigure that lockette? I’m just saying, you’d need something better than the Sword of Gryffindor or a basilisk tooth to penetrate the defenses of this horcrux. I’m not sure what crazy thing a solid block of titanium could do. I mean, Riddle’s journal could write back. The lockette had the eye. A block of titanium… maybe it would reflect imagry on its side? I don’t know.

6. a grain of freaking sand

This one isn’t my idea completely. I’m not sure where I heard this one, but wouldn’t it have been smart for Voldemort to turn a single grain of sand into a horcrux and them cast it into the middle of the freaking ocean? Nobody would have found it there… ever! He would have never, ever died. The end. In fact, while I’m at it, I’m dropping off that block of titanium, which will be concealed in a larger, hollow block of titanium, and all of that incased in twelve inches of plastic. Now, this impossible-to-break horcrux is at the bottom of the sea, and there’s no way anyone will ever find it. The only thing Dumbledore could do is to make a horcrux himself and eternally fight the battle against me, killing me over and over and me him over and over and this has gone overboard…

7. My necklace

My chain is a holdover from my high school days, sure, but it’s still freaking cool. I love this thing. It’s actually the second one, a duplicate of my first necklace. I bought the original one from Six Flags, but I lost it (I think an ex girlfriend stole it). The one I still have I bought off another dude for 10 bucks and a Mountain Dew. I hardly ever wear it because I don’t want it to get lost, and besides I’m not 14 anymore. I still love it. If it were a horcrux, when you peer into the hole in the center of the emblem, you would see memories from my past. If you stared too long then you would start to believe you were me. 


Make a blog post of your own, leave a comment here linking to it so I can read it, and then post to Twitter with #MySevenHorcruxes as a hashtag. This could be fun!

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