Brand New Cell Phone

I have finally gotten a new cell phone. I haven’t had one since leaving Seattle, mostly because I hate phones. But, I have one now, and I wanted to write a bit about that. I bought a Galaxy 7 Edge. It’s got this cool case that protects the screen and also can be used as a touchscreen through the hard case. It uses NFC for a cool “closed case” screen. 
 

touch-shell closed

BTW, after years without, I’m pretty out of the loop about what good apps and phone games there are. I’m playing Pokémon Go, of course, but if you have recommendations please let me know!

One of the first things I did with my phone was prank my friends. With a brand-new number, not a single person would know who I was, so I used that to send text message pranks.

 

To one, I said, “Hey Jeffrey (his name’s not Jeff) can we talk?”

He replied – “Wrong number.”

I said, “Stop playing, Jeff. I want to tell you about the ghost I saw in the attic. The white lady appeared again.”

 

I went on to tell a ghost story, leading up to the ghost saying the actual name of my friend, then me revealing the prank. I pranked another friend by telling him he was subscribed to premium updates from a fake organization, leading into the organization knowing things that he keeps in his apartment and where he was traveling to next, haha. People that know me irl know I’m mischievous like that, and my friends are quick to figure me out. 

I love Halloween

After posting my actual number to my friends on social media, someone [unknown] texted me asking me to play 20 Questions to try and figure out who they are. We had fun, but I didn’t get it right. It was someone from my college years who I lived next to in my dorms. Very cool person!

Something else I’ve been doing is toying with the voice command. When you say “OK Google” the phone listens to you and tries to do what you tell it. But sometimes it outsmarts me. 

 

Me - OK Google, sing to me.

Google - OK! *procedes to play Justin Beiber music*

Me - *frantically lowering the volume and closing apps, trying to kill it*

Google - *music is still playing* "As long as you love me, love me, love me..."

Me - *No apps open, no browsers open... song is still playing when the volume goes up* "OK GOOGLE STAHP!"

Google - OK! [lol] *music stops*

Me - laughing crazily at being outsmarted by a phone



...
...
PART 2

Me - Driving home thinking about how weird it is to give voice commands to a phone. Nothing works like using a keyboard and mouse, imo

Google - [try me]

Me - "OK Google, what are Voldemort's seven horcruxes, then?"

Google - "According to the Harry Potter wiki, there is the Tom Riddle diary, Tom Riddle's father's ring, Slytherin's necklace, the RavenClaw diadem, the Hufflepuff cup, the snake and finally Harry himself. Notice that nothing of Griffendor's was ever used."

Me - ...




That’s all for now, but why not follow me on Twitter and then check out this blog post about a phone game I recently played [Fallout Shelter]?

Flies in my Brain Web

Here are 10 random things that I have been giving my attention to lately:

a random sketch from the other day

1. My sweet, wonderful, old lady neighbor fell and broke her wrist and hip. I visited her in the hospital the other day. She’s OK, but hates being there.

2. Someone asked me if they could eat my sleeves.

3. I went to the Impractical Jokers liveshow. I had never seen the show, but a friend wanted people to go with and it sounded fun. It was.

4. Incubus’s new song, “Trust Fall” is incredible. My brain has been singing it constantly.

5. My muscles have noticeably gotten bigger from lifting weights since October. I drank muscle milk for the first time yesterday.

6. I was forced to watch a Madea movie for the first time. I did not enjoy it.

7. I recently finished off the last two of Skyrim’s DLC trophies. I can’t believe I’m still playing this game.

8. I’ve been rereading A Song of Ice and Fire. I’ve been listening to podcasts about theories and stuff. I’m obsessed.

9. I had a dream that my bank was trying to get my to invest in mummified dogs as assets.

10. Apparently, telemarketers don't like it when you use a robot voice:

"Sir, you're not a robot."

"Beep. Yes. I. Am."

"Um... sir?"

"Push. One. To. Speak. To. A. Live. Person."

They push 1.

"Beep. Incorrect. Button. Press. Now Transferring. To. Optimus Prime." *drops into a deeper pitch* "We must defeat Megatron."

"F$#& you." They hang up.

Telemarketers always enjoy a call to my house

UPDATE! 3rd call added! - Nov 6 2013!
 
Somehow, people love it when I’m a jerk to telemarketers. I posted a few of my recent interactions with a few calls, and people on facebook gave me more “likes” than I’ve ever gotten before. Somehow, when a telemarketer calls me, I always go into a character of an old grandma who doesn’t understand half of what is said and asks ridiculous questions. With that in mind, I thought I’d post a few transcripts of these phone interactions on here. These are real, written as soon as I hung up the phone (so they’re fairly word-for-word). Remember, these people called ME! It’s not like I was seeking them out!!

Call 1 (happened on Sep 20th):

Telemarketer: “Hello, I would like to talk to you about a low-interest offer on a credit card.”

Me: “Yes-sa I want a credit for my cat to for her.”

Telemarketer: “You what?”

Me: “I want my cat to have credit card and I spend all money and then I kill cat.”

Telemarketer: “What?”

Me: “You know, kitty meow-meow?”

Telemarketer: “You spent all your money on a cat and then you killed your cat?”

Me: “No, no, no, no. I want to put credit card under my cat’s name and spend all the money and then kill the cat.”

Telemarketer: “You want to put a credit card under your cat’s name and then kill your cat?”

Me: “Yes-sa, that.”

Telemarketer: “What is your cat’s name?”

I started laughing too hard at this point. Maybe she was joking, but she said it like she was actually going to put a credit card under my cat’s name. I hung up.

Call 2 (happened on Sep 26th):

Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Brandi Martin. I have a special offer on hotel stays in Branson, Missouri!"

Me: "You are Dolly?"

Telemarketer: "No, Brandi Martin."

Me: "Dolly Parton?"

Telemarketer: "We do have a Dolly Parton show here in Branson. [goes on to explain show] Tell me, when was the last time you were in Branson?"

Me: "Yesterday."

Telemarketer: "Oh really, where did you stay?"

Me: "With Yakov Smirnoff."

Telemarketer: "You saw Yakov?"

Me: "No, I stay at his apartment."

Telemarketer: "Oh..."

Me: "In his bed."

She suppresses a laugh. "Ohhh, okay... Well let me tell you about the other shows we have in Branson. Ever go see the Chinese Acrobats perform?"

Me: "How many Chinese Acrobats..."

Telemarketer: "Well, I think there's like 40--"

Me: "...does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

Telemarketer: "Uhh..."

Me: "In Soviet Russia, light bulb screw Chinese Acrobat."

Telemarketer: "Do you have kids? We have great children's shows."

Me: "Yes. Little Yakov, Yakov JR., Baby Yakov, and Smirnoffy"

She laughs. "You have children with Yakov Smirnoff? How old are they?"

Me: "Two and Two and Two and Two."

Telemarketer: "Well, you have a great day."

Me: "Say hello."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Hello, Dolly. Hello, Dolly."

She hangs up. 




*NEW* Call 3 - (happened on November 6th)

Telephone - *Robot voice* SENIOR ALERT. ALL SENIOR CITIZENS CAN NOW GET A FREE

Me – Agent! (this is a secret code word programed into most robocallers to send you directly to a live person)

*Piano music as I’m transferred to a telemarketer*

Telemarketer – Hello, this is Keesha with ______ Senior Monitoring Systems. Can I ask what name I can call you today?

Me - *in my really crinkly old lady voice* Just call me Grandma, that’s what all my grandkids do.

Telemarketer – Oh—uhh—Okay, Grandma. Because you have contacted an agent today, you have been randomly selected to receive a Senior Monitoring System and 3,000 dollars worth of groceries for free.

Me – Is that to Schnucks or Shop and Save?

Telemarketer – What?

Me – Tell me, Keesha, do you like cookies? Oatmeal raisin or chocolate chip?

Telemarketer – Uhh—chocolate chip. If you get our System, you can get grocery money to buy cookies as our gift to you.

Me – Just send me the money. I won it. It’s mine. BINGO!

Telemarketer – Oh, Grandma, you will have to sign up for a month of our SMSystem program to get the gift. Do you know about the “Help I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercials?

Me – Oh yeah.

Telemarketer – Well, if you have any issues, you can use the necklace buzzer to get a call from one of our technicians.

Me – So, if I run out of cookie dough? You’ll come to my house and bring me some more?

Telemarketer – Um, well. No, if you buzz, one of our team will call and assess the situation and—

Me – and then I can get some more dough for my Stroopwafels?

Telemarketer – Um, well. Grandma, we might call one of your family to assess the situation if—

Me – Then you’ll come eat my 3,000 cookies with me? You’re the only granddaughter I have left, Keesha, and I love you very much.

Telemarketer – I live in New York, so that would be hard.

Me – Let me write down your address so I can send you some nice Jaffa Cakes

Telemarketer – Well, maybe at the end of this conversation… Anyway… it’s 3,000 dollars worth of coupons at your local grocery store

Me – Coupons?

Telemarketer – Yes, coupons.

Me – I love the coupons from Bingo Magazine.

Telemarketer – *ignores my last statement* If you go into this program, know that you can cancel anytime and still keep our gift package for—

Me – Package? I haven’t gotten a package since Grandpa passed on.

Telemarketer – *Gives a moment of silence to honor Grandpa’s passing* …Our gift package is a nice way to—

Me – Grandma loves a nice package!

Telemarketer – A package filled with—

Me – Cookies for Grandma and Keesha to eat together

Telemarketer – and our cancel anytime policy can save you—

Me - Dough

Telemarketer – Yes, money

Me – No, cookie dough

Telemarketer - What address can I send our SMSystem and gift package to?

Me - Just write, "Grandma's House" on the package.

She was a trooper. She continued to explain why that wouldn't work in the postal system, and I laughed a few times, told her that Grandma loves her very much, and then hung up.

 

I've been answering the phone more often lately, because I've been waiting for job calls... the poor people. How is it that they never see this coming? I hope they enjoy the weirdness, anyway. I’m sure calling a million people must get tiring. I used to post a ton of these things. I wish there was a way to dig them all up. Maybe I’ll post more on here if I can find my old ones. Anyway, I hope this was funny for you. 

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